Why you shouldn’t Valet Park your Car
Why you shouldn’t
This week we are going to address an email that was sent to The G Manifesto:
“I wanted to let you know that I love the G Manifesto and all your advice. I dont mean to disrespect you but it seems like all your advice is for people that have a lot of money. I want to get girls and be a G. I am young (19) and want to be like you so if you if you could tell me how to make some cash that would help. Thanks. John.”
Alright John. First of all, you can never be me. Second, Stay in School, study hard, take a corporate job, marry an ex-sorority girl that can’t cook and move to the suburbs. Do you really want the life of The G? Do you really want sleeping with beautiful women to seem mundane because it happens so frequent like flight mileage? (Actually, sleeping with beautiful women never gets mundane) But, do you really want to dodge bullets, deal with hit squads, experience betrayal, have friends sellout, avoid snitches, Cops, date models, Exotic Dancers, high-society blue blood girls, have mad cash flow, travel to beautiful locales, get treated like a king in nightclubs, Sushi Chefs giving you the best cuts of Toro, and have a wardrobe and gun collection that’s equivalent to most “successful” peoples net worth? Maybe you do. Either way I am not going to give you any advice, but I will tell a little story of what I did when I was younger and you can take from it what you will. Fair Enough?
When you are a typical 19 years old guy you don’t have many options for work or girls. No one is really going to hire you for 150k a year to come to the office every day. And no self respecting girl over 22 years old is going to date you. You need CASH or you are basically fu**ed. Here is what I did:
When I was young I got a Valet job at one of the hottest nightclubs in
Take over the Valet Stand
This very important. There will usually be some sort of hierarchy established already at most Valet Stands. You stage a Takeover like Jay-Z (just make sure you don’t get Ethered). You need to get rid of the top guy by any means necessary. Get the top guy fired if you need to. This is what I did: My Running Partner at time and I were hired the same day. I then proceded to tell the top guy who we will call “Shane” that we were taking over. Shane then told me to “f*** off”. So I dropped punches on him from all angles on him like Chuck “The Iceman” Lidell and finished him with my Signature, Six Punch Combo (Jab, Jab, Straight Right, Left hook to the body, Left hook to the head, Right hook to the head…gets them every time). In his defense, he was from somewhere like
Establish an
You need to create an
Learn Cars and who tips well
If you see a 60 year old cat roll up in a Sick Vintage GTO, let him know you will take care of him and give him a spot upfront. He might flip you a fifty. A 22 year old girl in a two door stick shift metallic purple Toyota Tercel is going to kick you a buck…..at best. Be wary of famous people. I parked Robin Leach’s ride(that jackass from “Lifestyles of The Rich and Famous” of all things) and he gave me $2! I wanted to grab the Louisville Slugger we kept at the Valet stand and destroy his ride, but my Running Partner stopped me. Who knows about how these young
Pretend like the Valet is full
This is a great hustle. Especially if you see some cat roll up fronting in a BMW with his girl. Tell him the lot is full but maybe you could make an exception if he takes care of you. He won’t want to seem like he is the cheap jerk like he really is in front of his chick. Good for a 20 plus every time. Make sure you exchange phone numbers with his girl when he is not looking. Guys like that just ask to get “knocked”.
Borrow the Fly Rides
One of the guys I worked with always took the NSX’s, Ferraris, and Porches for rides around town after the people entered the club. I personally liked the vintage Muscle Cars, Cadillacs and occasionally the
Crash Cars
We used to crash and dent cars all the time. When you return them to the people leaving the club, just make sure the person drives off the lot. Once they drive off the property you are no longer liable. Know where to pull the car up that is not well lit so the person can’t see the scratch all the way down his Lamborghini Countach. You don’t want to pay for all the damage you caused out of your own pocket, trust me.
The Skim
Every Valet lot has some system with tickets or what ever to track how many cars are parked every night. This is to determine how much money goes to the Club or the Valet Company. What ever the system is find a way to make it seem like you are parking less cars. Re-use tickets, make phony tickets, etc. You are the one doing all the work and you should make the Lionshare. Skim.
Swipe Pocket Change
Every car you park has at least a dollar in change in the ashtray. No one is going to miss it. Lets say you park 180 cars during a six hour shift, make sure you take a dollar in change out of every car. Who cares if the change is jingling in your pocket all night as you run around parking cars, you just increased your hourly pay rate by $30 an hour!
Swipe Drugs
If you are working at the right Nightclub/ Restaurant, plenty of Cars will have drugs in them. If a Mortgage Broker Type Guy pulls up in a Jaguar (actually, make that a two door weak BMW), “decent” girl in tow and they both have white rings around their nostrils, you better inspect the ride. When you park the ride, rifle thru the glove compartment, under the seat, and the center console. You will score. And it’s not like the guy is going to start yelling “Who took my Coke?!!!” when he realizes it’s gone. But know where the limits are. For instance, if an Asian Guy in a SharkSkin Issey Miyake Suit that looks like Brandon Lee, koi fish tattoos creeping up his neck, rolls up strapped in some Crazy Japanese Sports car with a super hot Asian Girl, “Blak Drgn” on his license plate, and you search his ride and find 20 kilos of heroin, you might not want to take it. Its up to you.
Deal Drugs
You have a perfect built in, ready made, supreme clientele (and I don’t mean that dope Ghostface album either). Other Valets, Club cocktail Waitresses, bartenders, Chefs, sous chefs, promoter guys, and bouncers all want drugs. Plus, a lot of the drugs you are getting are free. If you are working at the right spot, you should get solicited about 30 times a night for drugs by customers. I swooped some well known Actors girlfriends in those days because I was flipping, and the Actor guy thanked me for hooking them up after our transaction! Make sure you have it all; grass, beans, beeks, etc.. Start bankrolling other Valets. Who cares if you get fired? It is just a Valet job! Just make sure you save a little for a good Criminal Defense Attorney. (I am not certain, but I think the government doesn’t agree with some of this stuff…check your local laws). Who would have thought you could make $124,800 a year parking cars?! Tax free. Not bad for a 19 year old.
Lessons to be Learned for People who want to Valet their cars:
1. Never Valet your car
2. If you Really have to Valet your car, Never leave anything in it of value i.e. Guns, CASH, Drugs, uncut Emeralds, etc…
3. Always check your car before pulling away. (Unless you stole the car in the first place, which is the only circumstance that I will Valet)
4. Never Valet your car….
Keep in mind, there are a hundreds of us just like me, who cuss like me, dress sharp like me, walk, talk, act like me, might be the next best thing, but not quite me. The Rest is Up to You………………
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA Snow Man
The BluePrint for Money Making
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
Off The Books….Beatnuts, Big Pun (Rip), Cuban Link……
29/01/2007 at 4:57 pm Permalink
funny
01/02/2007 at 7:54 pm Permalink
Hello , I don’t know who you are and I have never read any of your posts before this one. I was pretty impressed with the post not actually with the hustle but just how you presented it. I think I can market this story as a blueprint for highschool drop outs and kids with no direction. I don’t want to step on your toes and that’s why I’m writing this , to ask your permission to see if I can do something with it. Maybe it’s a stupid idea but maybe there is earning potential. I’ll send 20% of everything I earn. Being from the street you automatically say to yourself “I’m going to get beat” just think of it as free money in your box once a month if it flys. It would be quite easy for me to change the situation and the wording around but this is the right thing to do. what do you think? hope to hear from you..
01/02/2007 at 7:55 pm Permalink
You’re hilarious! Keep up the fine work.
-Po’ Boy
02/02/2007 at 1:53 am Permalink
While I’m cool with the idea of a gentleman player, I find it mostly annoying.
My dad was/is one of those guys. He’s still cheating on my mom.
Growing up with him, and mom, and seeing how this behavior worked out, I decided that it wasn’t for me. I’m just never going to be one of those guys, and while I know they score, and I know I don’t, I’m just as happy to not find the women who are susceptible to those sorts of tactics.
So, in the meantime. I’m going to stick with looking nice, working out, and meeting girls in the good old fashioned way.
I suppose I should add: …and cooking for my cat.
Whatever.
03/02/2007 at 2:45 am Permalink
These comments are hilarious!
Glad to see the reader base is growing, hahaha.
I particularly like this little gem:
“I suppose I should add: …and cooking for my cat”
wtf?! get a life!
or
“I think I can market this story as a blueprint for highschool drop outs and kids with no direction.”
hahaha, omg, this is some funny sh*t
08/02/2007 at 9:57 pm Permalink
Bringing game to another level, iced out skull heads!
16/02/2007 at 11:04 pm Permalink
This is a very original comedy website. Your material is interesting. I think what makes me laugh the most is how you seem to come across as genuinely sincere.
It’s fun to mock the individuals in life who actually believe in the things you joke about in your posts 🙂
21/02/2007 at 4:04 pm Permalink
This can’t be real. If you were real, you wouldn’t need to be braggin’ like this. You’re not the People’s Champion, you’re a paper champion. Not even. You are what’s wrong with America.
21/02/2007 at 4:55 pm Permalink
The G Manifesto is realer than fishing tackle. Thats the problem I have with the truth, it sounds like bragging. That is why I tone down The Manifesto for believability. My guess is that you lead a pretty mediorce life. I would say Mediocrity is what is wrong with America.
21/02/2007 at 4:59 pm Permalink
G, something tells me you’d make a fabulous tango partner…
vertically AND horizontally, speaking. First, I have
to give it to you: I’d screw you on the Paul Smith
two-button grey and champagne close alone. It wouldn’t
take much. Why? Because you would be a prize hit. Just
to say I did. As you well know, attraction to swagger
has been encoded in the female DNA since the days of
caveman. Or maybe I would do it, just to scope you out
in bed, do my own “case study”. Then, I would hope
that I never saw you again. Or maybe I’d introduce you
to all my wannabe Paris Hilton friends with stalker
like tendencies, and even bigger insecurities. That’s
my own little version of reality T.V. No commercial
interruptions. Either way, my point is: we’re trying
to swoop you too, and we like Zegna, the Delano and a
lovely bottle of the bubbly stuff. So, thanks for
being a big spender.
Second: Thanks also, for miseducating a whole new
generation of schmucks I will do my very best to use
to my advantage. I would tell you why, but I’m gonna
save that for MY manifesto.
One last thing: I have a suggestion, and since you ask
for them on the regular, here it is: invest in Strunk
and White.
All Due Respect,
Jene
28/02/2007 at 7:24 pm Permalink
G,
You are my hero. Your blog is hilarious, I love how you name-drop, it’s all-around high-quality. But this post might be my favorite so far, because it displays a perfect blend of flashiness and hustle. It’s true– you can ball in the service industry if you play your cards right.
The part about the change in your pockets… genius
28/02/2007 at 7:58 pm Permalink
The blue print for money making, and phat as that ass that honey shaking
01/03/2007 at 12:51 am Permalink
So the secret to getting more out of life is stealing change out of peoples’ ashtrays when you park their car? I think I’ll pass.
17/03/2007 at 2:42 pm Permalink
If you want more money, stealing is the quickest way. What G described, whether he was serious, is also very low risk.
08/05/2007 at 3:28 pm Permalink
this shit iz real, good money making hustle
19/06/2007 at 7:18 pm Permalink
genius
So basically what you’re saying is I wasted a perfectly good year and a
half parking cars at the Wyndham Anatole in Dallas when I could have
been scratching the fuck out of D-Town elite?
For shame. I wonder if they’d rehire me now…
Alan in God Damn This Makes For A Shitty Commute Fort Worth
23/09/2007 at 8:25 am Permalink
just like chingy says in ‘holidae inn’….’valet look like he in the game and must be winning’.
20/06/2008 at 8:54 pm Permalink
I worked over 7 years in Vegas valet. Try that here and the Teamsters will bury you in the desert. You can pick up babes, find shit in cars and pinch a little. If they stiff you, put a little stone under the valve stem cap, and halfway back to LA, the cheap suck is on the side of the road with a flat, but try and screw the people you work with, believe me, the rest will get you.
09/07/2008 at 7:29 pm Permalink
you Sir, are a G!
25/07/2008 at 8:52 pm Permalink
2 Tim 3:1-17
1 But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come:
2 For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy,
3 unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good,
4 traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God,
5 having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away!
6 For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts,
7 always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.
8 Now as Jannes and Jambres resisted Moses, so do these also resist the truth: men of corrupt minds, disapproved concerning the faith;
9 but they will progress no further, for their folly will be manifest to all, as theirs also was.
10 But you have carefully followed my doctrine, manner of life, purpose, faith, longsuffering, love, perseverance,
11 persecutions, afflictions, which happened to me at Antioch, at Iconium, at Lystra– what persecutions I endured. And out of them all the Lord delivered me.
12 Yes, and all who desire to live godly in Christ Jesus will suffer persecution.
13 But evil men and impostors will grow worse and worse, deceiving and being deceived.
14 But you must continue in the things which you have learned and been assured of, knowing from whom you have learned them,
15 and that from childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus.
16 All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness,
17 that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work.
(NKJ)
22/01/2009 at 5:22 am Permalink
easy to get money ha ha..
09/03/2010 at 7:34 pm Permalink
The G Manifesto is whatever you want it to be: entertaining fiction for people living vicariously, a playbook for up-and-coming hustlers, or just the guide to getting more out of life. MPM’s take on things may not be the way you look at things. If that’s the case and you don’t like his take on things, allow me to recommend another website.
The other thing that makes me laugh is that most of The People’s Champ’s haters probably get together with their buddies and do their best Scarface impression or looovvvvved the Sopranos.
Take a critical look at yourself– if you don’t like the content here, then the content probably doesn’t apply to you anyway. Go back to chatting with your friends on myspace. But don’t think that trying to shame this guy or posting jesus is going to keep the droog from the mansized crasts.
31/03/2010 at 11:24 pm Permalink
A good site, thanks to the Creator.