Every Player and Pick up Artist out there today always says the same thing. They say, “There are no good Pick up Lines”, “Pick up lines don’t work” and other crap as if they are saying something so earth shattering and innovative. As if this line of thinking is so contrarian or something. Come on, tell me something I don’t know, like the where is best spot to get Amberjack Tartare in Dubai? (anybody who knows, feel free to tell me, I have to go to Dubai soon).
They do have a point though, almost all pick up lines are stupid and never work. Save one. The craziest thing about this line is I don’t even use it anymore. So enough build up, The Greatest Pick up Line in the World is:
“Do you want to Smoke some Weed?”
Sure, “Do you want to Smoke some Weed?” (keep in mind that this is more a Street Game, Beach Game type line) doesn’t work on Every girl, but it does work on the vast majority. I have used this line to great success from London to Kingston to Washington to Hamilton (Bermuda) to Edmonton to Baton (Rouge) to (Boca) Raton to Boston to Charleston to Galveston to Wilmington to Winston (Salem) to Wellington (New Zealand) to Houston. I am actually lying, I haven’t been to all those places, some of those spots are weesh.
“Do you want to Smoke some Weed?” is known to work extremely well on Southern California, Beach town and Extreme sports girls. Trust me, I have gotten more fly Pro Snowboarder Girls between my sheets than Transworld Magazine. And I have been right up next to more naked fly Pro Surf Girls than this year’s Roxy bathing suit line.
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA The Hustler’s Hustler
AKA The Pusher’s Pusher
The Guide to Getting More out of Life http://www.thegmanifesto.com
(Want to see something in The G Manifesto? Send suggestions to thegmanifesto@yahoo.com)
(Before you read this, understand that this was written to address High-class Rooftop Bars and Hotel Pool Bars AT NIGHT. The absolute last thing you will ever see any self respecting G do, is hang around one of the aforementioned Bars, shirt off, greased down and dancing during the day. I was born with olive skin, Iberian genetics, so I don’t need a tan and as a rule, I try to stay out of the harmful UV rays…they make you look older. I can’t help but cringe at the thought of East Coast Guidos, Capri pants, blow out haircuts (is that what they are called?), sterioded out, trying to GHB girls and dancing to house music during the day. The thought of West Coast Trash in Los Angeles or Las Vegas, board shorted, greased up and tribal tattooed down and trying to GHB girls, equally makes my skin crawl. So keep in mind that this was written for Rooftop Bars and Hotel Pool Bars AT NIGHT. I just wanted to make that clear as an azure sky in deepest summer. By the way, when did straight guys start wearing Capri pants? And what the hell are these “Affliction” T-shirts infecting the world like the plague? Seriously, someone let me know, it looks like guys are walking around with puke on their shirts.)
There has been a proliferation of “hip” Rooftop Bars in America’s finest cities in the last few years (I use the term “hip” relatively loosely). I am typically opposed to new trends in Nightlife (I don’t know why we ever got away from Clubs with Everyone on Beans, Models, girls with Bangs and pigtails, lollipops, etc.) but truth be told, I don’t mind Rooftop Bars. Yeah, I understand that there are more Striped Shirts than at a Nordstroms and they serve you $20 cocktails in cheap Plastic Glasses. But, Bottom line is, you can pick up a lot of Fly Girls at Rooftop Bars and since you are outside, you can do it while smoking. Meaning you can look good while doing it.
There are a few things you need to keep in mind, however if you want to be successful at Rooftop Bars. The first thing is that there is less energy in Rooftop Bars as compared to indoor Clubs. This creates a situation with a lot of girls, static, in groups or sets. Not a lot of “swirl”. Typical Pick up Artist theory would suggest that you have a long night ahead of yourself of approaching sets and utilizing “Group Theory”. If you want a better handle on Group Theory, there are plenty of Pick up Artist sites out there. But approaching sets takes a lot of work and energy. Pick up Artists pick up on girls, G’s have girls pick up on them. If you want to pick up Girls easily with minimal effort, keep on reading…
Traffic Lanes
We have already discussed “Traffic Lanes” and “how the river flows” in Manifesto Destiny: Innovative Gentleman’s Club Concepts. Traffic lanes are equally important in regards to Rooftop Bars. Rooftop Bars typically have one entrance and usually the river will flow from the entrance to the Bar. Or from the Bar to the Bathroom. Post up in the traffic lane and every girl will pass by you at some point in the night. Free leads. Like a school of soon to be sashimied Alaskan Coho Salmon , all you need now is the right lure.
Public Enemy, Ice Cube, Big Daddy Kane, Burn Hollywood Burn
Solo
It is very important to be Going for Dolo when you are at a Rooftop Bar. It is less intimidating and girls are more apt to approach you when you are by yourself VS with a Big crew of hoods. Also, a lot of cats go the Bottle Service/ Cabana route. As I have said before, I am not really an advocate. Who wants to be stuck at a Rooftop Bar all night? There are too many fun things to do at night; there are hostesses to intercept as they are getting off work, Street Game to be spit, and Gentleman’s Clubs to dismantle. I can only stand so much of the Civilian Scene on any given night.
You want to give off an air of intrigue, mystery and sophistication when you are at a Rooftop Bar. I like going with a two button Navy Brioni (only $6700.00), custom crimson Borelli shirt, Gucci Belt, polka dotted Kiton Pocket Square, and Berluti shoes (dope shoes since 1895). Flash and statement making. If you dress like this, you will have girls running to you like the Dutch during Tulip Mania. You should also be tooled up in case you run into rival firms: a vintage Beretta 418 will give you the functionality and style points you are looking for. Italian suits and Italian heaters.
Herb Alpert, Rise
Cocktail
Always have a cocktail in hand. Something that will give off a certain Savoir faire and elegance (well, as much Savoir faire and elegance you can have while drinking out of a plastic glass. It’s not a bad idea to Smuggle in your own Glass rocks glass into Rooftop Bars for style points. Good conversation piece as well). Something simple. A Goose and Soda, for instance. Vino will also give you suavity and worldliness. Martini’s are ok, but since Rooftop Bars typically serve drinks in Faux-glasses (I think there are laws against having glass near a pool or a glass flying over the edge or something) it is not advisable. There is nothing stupider than drinking a Martini out of a plastic Martini glass. During summertime, Rooftop Bars are packed, so no Mojitos, Skippy. Now, I like Mojitos as much as the next cat (and I typically order a Mint Julip as my first drink every year at the Kentucky Derby for traditions sake), but when a bar is busy, you are a jerk if you order one. It is a different matter altogether if you order a Mojito during the day at uncrowded Maxine’s in The Catalina Hotel, in South Beach while spitting Game at a Swiss Miss Model girl from Irene Marie’s while pulling Sunshine Maneuvers.
Biggie, Hypnotize (with sample from Herb Alpert’s Rise)
Smoking/ Lighter
The persecution of smoking actually plays into The G’s hands in regards to Rooftop Bars. Let me explain…Since smoking is now a crime in most states, many girls don’t carry cigarettes anymore. But after a few cocktails, girls want to smoke them. If you have grits you will have more girls crowding around you than an early 90’s E-tab dealer at Narnia. I always carry a two pack minimum. This works especially well in Southern California; (typically I try to avoid Orange County, although I have swooped mad girls from Spy Glass, and Emerald Bay). And if you are going to smoke, carry a dope lighter. Dunhill, Dupont or Zippo. On the flip side, Guys that don’t smoke are at a huge disadvantage in Rooftop Bars. That is why whenever you check out the Top 100 International Playboy Rankings, everyone on The List is a smoker.
So next time you are at a Rooftop Bar post up in the Traffic Lane, roll Solo, suited down and tooled up, drink a smooth cocktail and clack your Zippo. The hook is set; you just need to reel them in. The Rest is Up to You……..
The Honey Cone, Stick Up (When I was a young G I thought this song was about me)
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA The Hustler’s Hustler
AKA The Pusher’s Pusher
The Guide to Getting More out of Life http://www.thegmanifesto.com
(Want to see something in The G Manifesto? Send suggestions to thegmanifesto@yahoo.com)
“Usually I’m dolo and I gotta crazy team
Car kissed the ride on you, watch for the laserbeam
Your girl want me cuz I do it better than you
The whole world wants me n*gga, I’m a legend to you” – Guru
The days of big crews and gangs are over (especially in regards to Nightlife). Too many snitches, haters, and backstabbers. Even the Gangs of LA are being gentrified. In today’s world, you have to operate in a small crew. Or even better Solo. I mean, you have watched Bruce Lee’s movies right? It’s not Bruce Lee and his big outfit in the movie, you see Bruce Lee solo (although, he did work with a small crew in Enter the Dragon). There are many reasons for this:
Freedom of Decision
Nights are priceless. When you operate in a bigger crew you need to compromise or have a consensus. When you are a top flight G aiming for the Title there is no room for compromise. No more eating at crap restaurants because someone in the crew is low on funds (if you are low on funds, you shouldn’t be going out, you should be earning). If you want to shoot to the Red Light District, you should be able to go on your own terms. (Being The G in the Red Light District will be covered in a future G Manifesto).
Tavares, It Only Takes a Minute
Financial Reasons
If you have dough and you roll with people that don’t have bread you are always going to spend way more than when you just roll out Dolo. No need to get “Stung” on a Bottle Service tab or get caught buying rounds of drinks that never get returned. Or even better, no more “shoulder taps” from some guy in the Gentleman’s Club who blew his wad too quick (so to speak). Speaking of Gentleman’s Clubs, you should always roll solo. We all hate when some Exotic Dancer who just fleeced your buddy, interrupts you, while you are giving directions to another Exotic how to get to your luxury hotel room. You don’t need her asking you how your friend is going to pay for the 10 lap dances he just had.
If you are solo, you are very agile on the night. When you have a big crew you are the antithesis of agile (and when I am talking about being agile, I am not talking about that fly Russian American girl I recently swooped that was part of the US Rhythmic Gymnastics Team, who is extremely agile, either. If you have never swooped a girl on the U.S. Rhythmic Gymnastics Team you really should look into it…). This is also very important so you can time things properly. Need to catch that fly hostess just as she gets off work? Try convicing 5 guys that you need to do that. Buena Suerte. Also, being agile and solo helps you take advantage of what different factions and outfits have going on. Maybe one crew you associate with has the whole VIP at a fly nightclub rented out and another firm has the back room of a new Salvadorian-Asian fusion joint on lock with a gang of Models. Being solo helps you take advantage of both. Dealers Choice.
Chic, Everybody Dance
No witnesses
When you are a sinister G, there are a lot of things you don’t want other people to know about. Maybe you are playing “The Most Dangerous Game” and are swooping an Underworld heavy’s girlfriend. The kind of Underworld heavy that has arms that reach. This is something you don’t really need anyone to know about. Or, when you are out on the town and between going to the restaurant and the lounge you need to light a match at a rival’s headquarters. You don’t need someone screwing up your perfect alibi and you certainly don’t want anyone to know you did a little arson that night.
Sister Sledge, He’s The Greatest Dancer ( I have always thought that this track was about me)
Let’s face it, when you are rolling with a big crew it is a real pain getting into fly restaurants and dope nightclubs. Especially on weekends. Being solo you can slip and slide into a bar stool and order up some Sea Bass Gravlax with ease. Or, get a cocktail next to two dope girls at the bar. When was the last time you were with 5 guys and you met a party of ten girls, all fly, that all wanted to go home with your whole crew? Right, Almost Never.
Marvin Gaye & Tammi Terrell, Your Precious Love
Spotlight Game
When you are solo, the spotlight of the night is always on you. I am at the point of my career that I don’t need to play “back up man” for anyone. Being solo, there is no more need to entertain some friend of a fly girl just so your buddy can pull a Chris Webber. Your night is precious, don’t waste it. (And I don’t mean that Exotic Dancer I know from Scores in NYC named Precious, real name Sandy either).
Five guys in a lounge drinking has no mystery or intrigue to it (and I don’t mean that Pick up Artist named Mystery either), girls know what you are up to. Sipping a Goose and soda at a fly Boutique hotel bar, suited down (two button Black Dior Homme by Heidi Slimane, Purple people eater shirt by Borelli, sea blue Brioni pocket square, Berluti shoes) Solo has mystery to it. Going out by yourself has a “sifting” or qualifying aspect to it as well. When you go out Dolo; un-fly, insecure civilian girls will think you are “weird” going out by yourself and won’t approach you. Fly confident girls will think you are a man of style, taste and very self assured. They Will want to find out what you are all about.
Pointer Sisters, He’s So Shy
No weak links
When you are in a bigger crew you are bound to have weak links. Weak links will only clog up the scene. It’s the worst, when someone brings along their “friend from college” or “my boy from home”. These guys are typically unbelievably JV. Always dressed terrible, hanging with them is like carrying a bag of rocks on a hike (not like I ever go hiking, at least not since I was younger and had to break on through with some mushrooms in the California desert…Lizard King style…). They usually come from someplace where nightlife is cheaper and they usually say things like “I can’t believe how expensive drinks are here!” and other drivel that decelerates your night. Or they keep on harassing you to introduce them to girls or hound you for beeks or beans. Best thing to do is ditch them or push them down a Nightclub staircase when no one is looking. Or worse, you have someone in the crew that thinks He is the Star of the night. Like when you are talking to a fly Estonian Model Girl and introduce Guy to her just to be polite and then he thinks it’s His Estonian Model lead. Then you have to clown him and out-Game him so he will beat it. You could have spent that energy so much better, like in making plans with the Estonian Model to meet up at 3am (and I don’t mean DJ AM either) and to continue the conversation you are having over some Bubbly.
Andrea True Connection, More, More, More
Married Guys
The older you get, the bigger chance you have of going out with Married Guy in your crew. Married Guy, as a rule of thumb, is atrocious to go out with (as with all rules, there are exceptions to this. Very few, but there are).
1) Married guys have NO Game.
2) They are either going to talk about married life with the girls you are Gaming and unbelievably, the girls Will listen to that crap. This conversation topic is on the other side of the universe from getting the girl back to your crib. Or
3) He will try to swoop the girls you are hanging out with and not be successful for reason #1 above.
This is all fine and dandy, except he will feel guilty about it and tell his wife about the night, and throw you under the bus and make you out to be the bad guy. This will make his wife hate you even more than she already does and she will never hook you up with any of her friends. (not like I need to be hooked up with girls, I have girls coming out my ears, I can barely hear myself think).
Marvin Gaye, Sexual Healing
Innovative Game
I also like rolling solo because I spit such Innovative Game I don’t really want anyone hearing it and biting it. My conceptual metaphors, similes, analogies, onomatopoeias, allusions, double entendres, parenthetical asides, innuendos and non sequiturs are so sinister I could verbally slap box with the Devil. Dangerous in untrained hands.
Fat Joe, Envy (Sexual Healing Sample)
If you don’t currently roll out Solo, give it a try, and maybe you too can be a One Man Army…
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Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA Your favorite International Playboy on the Rise’s favorite International Playboy on the Rise
AKA I can’t leave the Streets alone, The Game needs Me
AKA The Lizard King
The Guide to Getting More out of Life http://www.thegmanifesto.com
(Want to see something in The G Manifesto? Send suggestions to thegmanifesto@yahoo.com)
MARVIN GAYE & TAMMI TERRELL “Ain’t no Mountain High Enough”
Life is good. Life is so good, I can feel an intense Euphoria when I exhale a lung full of Parliament Ultra Light smoke (and I don’t mean that Exotic Dancer from The Rhino in Las Vegas named Euphoria, real name Tricia, etiher). Well, let’s just say my life is way better than yours. Just this week I have slept with six different beautiful women (a diversified portfolio of 2 fly exotic dancers al mismo tiempo, a top tier Nightlife Princess, a Brazilian model girl from Elite, a Czech/ Canadian model from Toronto, and a rich daughter who’s dad is a West Coast titan of industry microchips and such, I think). I have been in three different dope cities, and dined at some of America’s best restaurants (Alinea in Chicago being a standout, Grant Achatz is a rising star on the Holyfield), most of it comped. Bartenders have refused to take my money. I have insisted. I haven’t gotten out of bed (and I don’t mean Club B.E.D in Miami Beach either) before 10am every morning and that is only to kick out the girl or girls from the night before (kick outs are always done respectfully of course). I had a money counting session with some Koi Fish Japanese guys I know, that let’s just say required a money counter. And I have done it all while puffing on cigarettes and swathed in custom made Italian fabrics so my style points have been off the charts. I even started to floss every day. By the way, how was your week? But it always wasn’t like this. There are many moves and lessons I have picked up along the way, many during childhood. Here are some of them:
Get a Good Running Partner
Back in elementary school, first grade, I met one of my best friends who became very instrumental in my becoming an International Playboy. The first day of school we had a new kid come to class, let’s call him “Jason”. We were all sitting on a rug listening to the teacher try and teach us stuff about reading or animals or some crap. Now, for some reason or another, my inner city elementary school had a pretty bad cockroach problem. Not sure why, our school just had mad amounts of these critters scurrying across the floor. So, anyway, when the teacher was trying to go over our lessons, Jason starts picking up the cockroaches and throwing them at all the little girls in our class. You could imagine that the shrieking coming from the girls was absolutely deafening. Personally, I was laughing my head off. The teacher was screaming at Jason to stop it, and screaming at me for laughing. Once the teacher settled everyone down, Jason would grab another cockroach and throw it at the girls. I could tell he had zero respect for authority and plenty of heart. He was soon sent out of class to sit in the hall. I also noticed that the girls actually kind of liked him. I was really too young to care, but I did etch it in my young skull that maybe being a “nice guy” wasn’t the best way to get girls.
Later during recess, I saw Jason playing on the monkey bars and I could see he had mad skills. Backflips off the monkey bars and such. I approached him. I think I said something like, “I know your new here and don’t have any friends. I really love your material. That whole cockroach thing was genius. You and I need to team up. I think we can do well together”. He agreed. He became my first “Running Partner”. See, I was a great idea man, and I needed someone with heart to help carry out my schemes. Jason was it. We pulled off a lot of great heists together, and later in life, Jason’s climbing ability, utter disrespect for authority, and fearlessness made him a great Second Story Man.
LL Cool J, I’m Bad
Bullies and Peoples Champs
Around this same time, we had a school Bully we will call “Billy”. Way bigger than the rest of us, Billy was as mean as he was tough. He generally steered clear of me and my Syndicate that I had developed in first grade. He mostly picked on the weaker kids. Even as a little kid, I have fancied myself as a “People’s Champion” and a protector of the weak and oppressed (that is why even today I give a lot of my “earnings” back to the poor and help bankroll liberal politicians). One day, Billy went after one of the kids in my outfit and gave him a pretty good beating. I had fought Billy before with minimal success, although I was quicker, and had mad hand speed like a young Sugar Ray (and I don’t mean that Crappy band from Newport Beach either), he was just too big. So, later, my crew and I came up with a scheme. We would “do it for Johnny”. Four of us came after Billy. I stepped up first and I started dropping Bees on his face. Pretty soon he was leaking some red stuff that looked like the Cabernet my MOM used to drink every night while she cooked Tortilla Espanola and Paella. Billy then grabbed me and I got him in a head lock. I was done for except for my friend who we will call “Charlie” (who was half Irish, half African American, the fastest of us and later in life a great getaway driver and Playboy in his own right), Picked up a huge rock and dropped it on Billy’s ankle. It had to hurt. Billy even cried for the first time. Other kids were in celebration. Our crew was tops. Girls congratulated and sweated us. Billy continued his Bullying ways but not on us. In fact, Billy and I kind of became friends. I used him for certain “muscle” jobs later on.
Palmer Park’s own, Sugar Ray Leonard, the 2nd Sugar Ray (the first being Sugar Ray Robinson)
Style and Smoking
When I was in I think in third grade, my family and I went on a trip to Northern Ireland. Most families go to tropical places on vacation, Bahamas, Bermuda, Hawaii and the like. My family went to war-torn Belfast. I guess that’s the price you pay when your father is a Heist man/Revolutionary/Playboy (that is until he met my MOM, and the Playboy stuff was over). I remember my dad took me to meet some of my relatives, IRA all of them. My uncle who dressed in the Irish IRA height of fashion for those days; black leather jacket, black slacks, and Irish flat cap, was sitting on the back of truck. Then I saw him take a “strike-anywhere” match, strike it on the bumper of the truck and light his cigarette. I was awe-struck. It was the coolest thing I have ever seen done in my young life (probably even cooler than Jason’s cockroach thing). Puro Cool. Un-cut Raw like the Toro at Nobu London. I also noticed that two fly girls, Irish Lasses, one red head with freckles the other brunette, looked over at him and giggled. He subtly ignored them. There were so many things I learned that day. Not the least is I realized I liked girls with freckles. Most important I learned how to have true style and that if you want true style you are going to have to smoke. No other way around it.
Rumble Fish, Rusty James VS Biff Wilcox
CASH and Making it
When we hit the fourth grade, I wanted to start making some dough like a bakery. I remember at the time that Bubble Yum and Bubblicious, the gum companies, were in a marketing war. All the kids wanted the stuff. There was a high demand. I decided I was going to be the supply. My crew and I would skip school or go after school to our local deli and buy packs of gum (5 pieces per pack). We would also find money returnable Coke bottles to help finance our operation (so I guess you could say we were budding environmentalists along with prototype G’s). Let’s say the gum cost 25 cents per pack. We would then sell the gum for ten cents apiece. We were doubling our money and soon had a Bankroll. We used Billy for protection and collections. We also learned not to “get high on our own supply” and chew up all our profits. My friend Jason also had an idea that if we stole the gum we would be making all profit. This worked great until we got caught. We learned never to screw over our supplier. I also learned that its good business to buy something in bulk and to sell off the pieces (is it any wonder I would later get involved in the pharmaceutical trade?). Most importantly, I learned that if you had something “illegal” and had CASH, girls were drawn to you. In my case, it was a girl named “Claudia”, the daughter of an Argentinian Diplomat. She was beautiful, rich, classy, had great style and crazy fly. And she was down with me. If I think about it, my life with women has really gone all downhill from this point. Of course, I didn’t swoop her, I still had no Game nor interest in girls at this age. But I did notice that showing no interest made Claudia want me more. I did make a mental note of all this, but I will admit, I blew it. I did see Claudia in some International cosmetic ads years later on, she didn’t have to model, she just did. I think she is back in Argentina now and goes to Punta del Este often. C’est la vie.
The Intruders, Cowboys to girls
The Warriors, The Warriors VS The Punks
Heists
Around this time, Jason, “Tommy” and I wanted to make a big splash and cement our status as the number one top prototype baby G’s on the set. (My friend Tommy was Japanese, knew Karate, and I was to learn later the son of a Japanese political figure/ Yakuza heavy weight…I went to a pretty Urbane, Cosmopolitan, International School). We knew we needed something big. I had the Plan. Let me explain… At our school, we would go to recess, then after recess, we would all rush into school and go to lunch. All the kids would put their lunchboxes in a row in the hall, when the bell rang for lunch the kids would enter thru double doors, freaking out, grab their lunch boxes and run to the lunch room. It was pretty chaotic. What we did during recess was each ask a different teacher if we could go to the bathroom. We all met up in the hallway and one by one we unlatched all of the lunchboxes. Then we returned to recess. Once the bell rang, all the kids spazzing out, ran thru the double doors and proceeded to grab their lunch boxes while running to the lunch room. Only this time all the lunch boxes were flying open with food flying everywhere. Italian kids had Cannelloni, Caponata di Carciofi, and canolis flying everywhere. Irish kids had Corned Beef and Cabbage flying everywhere. Cuban kids had Cuban sandwiches and Ropa Vieja flying everywhere. Jewish kids had Matzo Ball Soup and Potato Latkes flying everywhere. Colombian kids had Ajiaco and Bandeja Paisa flying everywhere. Thai kids had Pad Thai flying everywhere. Ethopian kids had Injera Bread flying everywhere. Korean kids had Kim Chee flying everywhere (I told you I went to a very International school). Everyone was slipping and sliding everywhere. It was so beautiful. It was hilarious and we kept our mouths shut and were never fingered for the “heist”. We also realized we didn’t make any CASH from this. But we did realize that proper planning, working with a good crew, proper execution and keeping our mouths shut was paramount to any crime. The Rest is Up to You…
Common, The People
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life http://www.thegmanifesto.com
(Want to see something in The G Manifesto? Send suggestions to thegmanifesto@yahoo.com)
The Outsiders, wack song, Dope Rumble, Greasers vs Socs
I can’t front. There was a time when I liked Bottle Service in Nightclubs. I still remember the first time I experienced Bottle Service. It was about 12 years ago in a very high-end nightclub in Tijuana, Mexico when I was associating with some of the Arellano-Felix crew based out of TJ. The advantages were obvious: beautiful girls came up to your table (in this case upper class fly Mexican girls, which I do have a thing for), you had a place to relax, re-group, and everyone thought you were balling out of control. (For the record, I never did anything illegal with the Arellano-Felix cartel, but I do remember having a Magical Night that night…chicas were sweating me like condensation in a steam room, which was really no different than a night for me without Bottle Service.)
Fast forward to 2007, and Bottle Service has become the standard (and I don’t mean that overrated Andre Balazs hotel in Los Angeles either) for most high-end clubs all across the bubble. It has been popular in Miami and NYC for at least ten years, but my sources tell me it is currently popular in many C-grade cities and they even offer it in many D-grade cities as well. The advantages are still there, primarily, Bottle Service allows a group of Investment Bankers, Hedge fund guys, commercial real estate jerkoffs, or any type of weesh 9 to 5 guys the ability to enter a club with out too much hassle. But there are many problems that Bottle Service brings to nightclubs in general and nightlife in particular. There are also a few more reasons why I am not a big fan of Bottle Service.
Camp Lo, Dj Honda, Disco Tec
The Crowd Bottle Service Brings
In the 2000’s we have seen a corporatization of nightclubs. Now when you go to a nighclub everyone is some kind of corporate jerkoff. Interesting people are no longer found in Nightclubs. The artists, writers, intellectuals, underground DJ’s etc have been effectively priced out of the nightclub with bottle service. The only people that can afford it are the Investment bankers, real estate types, and Celebs (and of course, underworld figures). That is why when you walk into a club you see so many striped shirts that you think you are seeing some kind of 3-D optical illusion. The funny thing is that these are the type of guys who would have never gotten into a club in the old days (nights) when you were picked out because of how you looked, dressed, if you had connections, or by reputation. So today, clubs are full of people that normally would have been standing in line in nights gone by.
Juelz Santana and Lil Wayne, Blow
Too common place
The whole purpose of Bottle Service is that it separates you from the masses. But today, there are clubs with 40 tables of bottle service. All it has done is raised the bar on what is the norm. Every fool with a platinum card can buy exclusivity. What is so exclusive about that?
Wale, I ain’t sprung…lyrics
Stuck it the same spot
I really don’t like Bottle service because I like to be agile when I go out. If a nightclub sucks for whatever reason, I don’t want to be tied down to some table with a three bottle minimum. I like to stick and move (so to speak).
Camp Lo, Lucini
Don’t realize how expensive it is
For me, where CASH is no object, this is a non-issue. But for everyday regular guy out there this can be a major problem. When you get a table at a nightclub, you think “OK, two bottle minimum, bottles start at $200, there are four of us…that’s only $100 each!” Wrong equation. Once you get there you realize that the Smirnov is $200 but the Goose is $350-400 per bottle. You have to get the Goose, or it defeats the whole purpose of getting the table in the first place. Then you have to pay for the overpriced mixers. Then the table of the guys with the professional Athlete next to you has just ordered two bottles of Cristal, and the Girls that were hanging out with you are slowly shimming their way over to their table. So you need to counter attack and get two bottles of Crist to keep pace. Keep in mind at the end of the night you have to tip the Vip Waitress in the corset that brought you everything. And you can’t be cheap now, because all night you have been hitting on her with your “big balling” paper thin game and she gave you her number (you don’t realize yet, skippy, but it was a fake). Pretty soon your $400 night is $2700. Good for the club, bad for the chumpy patron.
This is when things get interesting. Let’s say you rolled in with 5 guys and got a table. Without fail, at least two guys are going to come up real short. Or they can’t be found when its time to settle up the bill.
These weak crews also always have one guy that just brings over other guys to the table. These other guys also probably won’t have a problem ordering 15 Patron shots on your tab as well as doing heavy pours off your Goose bottle. Like clockwork, once some Platinum Diggers, Nightlife Princesses, or Table Hawks finally do make it to your table, the 2nd Goose bottle will run out. That’s when some guy, (usually one who has no cash when the bill comes or says “where is the ATM in the club?” and usually reports back “the ATM is broken, I will get you next week, you know I am good for it”) will order up two more Goose bottles without hesitation. This guy also usually has a tendency to disappear when the bill comes.
Don’t be the card holder
If you do make the mistake of getting Bottle Service, you never want to be the card holder in a Bottle Service situation. This puts the burden of responsibility on you. You Will get stuck at the end of the night. Remember you and your “Fly Crew” can’t pull out 5 credit cards and split the bill up 5 ways…remember the whole goal was to look like you were flush with CASH.
Friendships Broken
More friendships have been broken over Bottle Service. Everyone involved thinks they were “done wrong” by someone in the crew. Angry, acusatory emails usually follow then following Monday: “You and your boy drank off our bottles all night and didn’t even offer any cash”, “Remember you said you would split the bill with us?” “Why do you go out if you don’t have any money?” etc.
Final thoughts
Never get bottle service. But if you do, don’t be the card holder. Don’t get it with a weak crew. Avoid other peoples tables as well, even if you don’t have a single drink off their bottles, they will think you did and try to hit you up for $500 the next week. The only time I will do it is if I am taking some people I care about and just pay CASH for the whole thing.
I can’t help but laugh every time I see a table of Real Estate or Investment guys dressed in striped shirts, gay t-shirts with writing on them, designer jeans, at the end of the night, their bottles nearing empty, no girls, trying in vain to salvage their night with some weird dance moves. But there is no saving them. It’s like when you stab someone in the jugular with a big serrated knife and you twist. The ambulance might be on its way, but it’s too late…you are losing too much blood…you fade out…The Rest is Up to You…
Tonight I am going to a nightclub with Bottle Service (a necessary thing for Heist men looking for tips). I am meeting two of my best childhood friends in town who are young up and coming guns with the Mossad. I am paying…CASH.
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Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA Your favorite International Playboy on the Rise’s favorite International Playboy on the Rise
AKA I can’t leave the Streets alone, The Game needs Me
The Guide to Getting More out of Life http://www.thegmanifesto.com
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