My name is Don Juan De Marco. I am the son of the great swordsman, Antonio Garibaldi De Marco. Who was tragically killed defending the honour of my mother, the beautiful, Dona Inez Santiago de San Martine. I am the world’s greatest lover. I have made love to over a thousand women. I was twenty-one last Tuesday.
No woman has ever left my arms unsatisfied. Only one has rejected me. And as fortune would have it, she is the only one who has ever mattered. This is why, at twenty-one, I had determined to end my life. But first… one final conquest.
Don Juan DeMarco – Restaurant Scene
Don Juan: May I?
Woman: Um, well actually… I’m expecting a friend, er, he’s been delayed, but he should be here soon.
Don Juan: Well, I will not linger…I am Don Juan.
Woman: That’s very funny. Is there a costume party at the hotel?
Don Juan: No. I am Don Juan. Directly descended from the noblest Spanish family.
Woman: And you seduce women.
Don Juan: No. I, I never take advantage of a woman. I give women pleasure… if they desire it. It is of course, the greatest pleasure they will ever experience. There are some women… fine featured, a certain texture to the hair, a curve to the ears that, that is sweeps like a turn on a shell. These women… have fingers, with the same sensitivities as their legs. The fingertips have the same feelings as their feet, and when you touch their knuckles, it is like passing your hands along their knees. And this, tender, fleshy part of the finger, is the same as brushing your hands along their thighs. And… finally…
Don Juan (voice): Every woman is a mystery to be solved. But a woman hides nothing from a true lover. Her skin colour can tell us how to proceed… a hue like the blush of a rose, pink and pale, and she must be coaxed to open her petals with a warmth like the sun. The pale and dappled skin of the red-head calls for the lust of a wave crashing to the shore, so we may stir up what lies beneath and bring the foamy delight of love to the surface. Although there is no metaphor that truly describes making love to a woman… the closest is playing a rare musical instrument. I wonder, does a Stradivarius violin feel the same rapture as the violinist, when he coaxes a single perfect note from its heart?
Don Juan: Muchas gracias, senorita.
Don Juan (voice): Every true lover knows that the moment of greatest satisfaction comes when ecstasy is long over. And he beholds before him the flower which has blossomed beneath his touch.
Don Juan (voice): Oh, well. Now I must die.
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
A Typical Tuesday Night in Southern California
“California’s like a beautiful, wild girl on heroin …Who’s high as a kite, thinkin’ she’s on top of the world, not knowing she’s dying even if you show her the marks.”
Its 9:30 pm when I roll Dolo in the Southern California “party sushi” joint like the Fly Girl Racker, Bean Stacker, Zippo Clacker, friendly neighborhood International Playboy you know and love.
The Scene breaks down as it usually does:
Multiple tables of Girls with fake boobs partying for “Jenny’s”, “Sara’s” or whoever’s birthday, a few weesh guys in Ed Hardy shirts, I’m guessing a few “Reality Stars” from their hollow, insecure posturing, and some hipster cats in fedoras. Maybe a few actors. Who cares, I am sure their movies are wack.
Not bad, since Me against this type of competition is like Obama going against Hillary.
Especially, considering that I didn’t leave anything to chance and I am dressed Sharper than Health Care:
My President is Black and so is my one button Gucci bespoke suit with peaked lapels and Cookie Monster blue interior. My shirt and Brioni pocket square are Baby Blue as if my name was Gerber, and I am not talking about Rande either.
My Bontoni loafers: c’est si bon and my E. Marinella tie: magnifique, and of course, I have the Brushed Chrome Desert Eagle for any sashimi style Kobe Beef.
Pockets: Greener than “energy tech” and Bankroll: thicker than Azerbaijan “daisy-chained” spot crude oil.
My Game: sicker than Hong Kong Chicken Flu and I got The John the Conqueroo.
I am by eons the dopest, sharpest dressed, most brutally handsome cat in the spot, but Hollywood has never come up with a movie star that is half-IRA, half-ETA so the girls in the party sushi joint have no frame of reference for me.
I then exchange glances with the target: A Orange County fake boobs blonde wearing a dress from South Coast Plaza and shoes from Fred Segal no doubt. Her boobs are Faker than the Horsehead that Tom Hagen puts in that bed.
She is not some fly Estonian Model Girl or the daughter of Hungary’s richest businessman, but sometimes you have to work with what the Nightlife Gods have given you.
I then float, like a Mardi Gras parade, to her table of three of her girlfriends, drinking sake, and get ready to sting like a Mayweather Jab (Roger or Floyd Jr., doesn’t matter which one). Two of the other girls look identical to her, the fourth: weesh. I pull up a chair holding a far superior bottle of Nigori.
I then introduce myself as the DJ is spinning some wack crap that every single other person in the joint is loving. (Doesn’t anyone have Special Ed’s “I Got it Made” on wax anymore?)
Special Ed – I Got It Made
I then wave to the DJ (who I have carefully cultivated a “functional” acquaintance with over the last few months) who gives me a “finger point” and a smile back.
Instead of “Defeating this DJ”, I have “locked down” this DJ simply for him to give me high-fives and finger points so I don’t seem “weird” to girls when I roll in the sushi joint Doloto pick up girls.
I then yap to the girls about how the live lobster sashimi is the best thing on the menu, which, of course, they have never tried. When I describe it, one of them says it sounds “gross” as different waitresses say hello to me and I get a few “finger points” from the sushi chefs.
The Girls tell me they come here for “the california rolls”. Another one of the girls tells me that she loves “the rice”.
I roll my eyes, but I have been through this literally a million times before so I keep calm and don’t start ridiculing the girls or stab myself in the eye with a chopstick.
They then ask me how I know the DJ and I yap about how I have known him forever and blah blah blah. Topics fire back and forth at a rapid fire pace as we down the bottle of Nigori.
The Girls tell me The Hard Rock in Las Vegas is their favorite place to travel. I tell them The Hard Rock is wack. They ask me where I would love to vacation next and I say “Seychelles or Mauritius” and they look at me like I am speaking a foreign language. I ask them if they have been to France, and they said they haven’t but they heard people are “rude” there. When the girls ask what I do for fun, I am tempted to tell them I have been experimenting with Voodoo to help me swoop even more girls than I already do and to destroy my rivals, but thankfully the owner comes by to shake my hand.
Junior Wells – The Hoodoo Man (1966)
The owner then gives me another bottle of Nigori (pro-bono) and the girls ask me how I have known him and I lie, “we go back a long time” as I think the owner is weesh, and barely know him, but I remain friendly with him for situations such as these.
The girls now think I am the coolest thing they have ever met.
But then again, I have paid the cost to be the Boss, so it shouldn’t be a shocker that they are loving me like Ugg Boots and Mac Gloss.
Styles P- The Key
After polishing off the Nigori, I invite the girls to another nightclub where I know the owners to get in “libre”.
On the way to the club (located a few blocks from my crib, coincidentally or is it strategically?) I light up a smoke with a dope “reverse” Zippo Clack, that, I invented when I was 12 years old. None of the girls notice how dope I light the cigarette but one of the girls says she “hates smoking”. “Smoking is so gross…and so unhealthy”, says the most out of shape and unhealthy member of the girl crew.
I ignore both of them, and keep “Pied Pipering” the girls. The main “Orange County blonde fake boobs girl wearing a dress from South Coast Plaza” says she “loves smoking when she drinks” and takes a drag off my cancer stick. I notice she doesn’t inhale.
Almost to the club, I spark up a another smoke with a snap of my Zippo and interrupt the yapping from the girls by saying “Hey!” so they pay attention to the dope “snap light move”, but it gets zero reaction.
We skip the line like an old Run-D.M.C. record and enter Le Club.
I spend the next hour with more mind-numbing conversation, winning over the group, and deflecting “SliverBack Style” some beta male Ex-Mortgage Brokers in I am guessing, Christian Audigier shirts (One beta-ex-mortgage guy I make scamper off simply by saying, “Did you know there are free Red Bull and Vodkas at the back bar?”).
I then invite the “Orange County blonde fake boobs girl wearing a dress from South Coast Plaza” girl back to my crib for Champagne. (Really just a $9 bottle of Processco, but she can’t tell the difference).
After swooping her till 3:30 am, getting more two lips than a florist* and shimmying her out the door to her cab, I can only wonder:
Was this night worth it?
Probably not.
Even International Playboys win some and lose some.
But most likely, I will do it again next Tuesday.
The Rest is Up to You…
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life http://www.thegmanifesto.com
*In case you are stuck. Blower = Two lips = Tulips. Get it?
I think I am going to hook one of these Canon Cameras. With the Down Economy, there are just too many girls willing to take their clothes off these days.
Compact, lightweight with environmental protection, EOS 5D successor boasts a newly designed Canon CMOS sensor, with ISO sensitivity up to 25,600 for shooting in near dark conditions. The new DIGIC 4 processor combines with the improved CMOS sensor to deliver medium format territory image quality at 3.9 frames per second, for up to 310 frames.
Triggered from Live View Mode, HD video capture allows users to shoot uninterrupted at full 1080 resolution at 30fps — for amazing quality footage with outstanding levels of detail and realism.
The integration of HD movie capability into a high-end 21.1-megapixel camera opens a multitude of new possibilities for photojournalists and news photographers. With its full-frame CMOS sensor and outstanding ISO performance, the EOS 5D Mark II will appeal to any photographer in search of the finest camera equipment available — from studio and wedding to nature and travel photographers.
As a bartender and trainer at a national restaurant chain, Rebecca Brown earned a couple thousand dollars in a really good week. Now, as a dancer at Chicago’s Pink Monkey gentleman’s club, she makes almost that much in one good night.
The tough job market is prompting a growing number of women across the country to dance in strip clubs, appear in adult movies or pose for magazines like Hustler.
Employers across the adult entertainment industry say they’re seeing an influx of applications from women who, like Brown, are attracted by the promise of flexible schedules and fast cash. Many have college degrees and held white-collar jobs until the economy soured.
“You’re seeing a lot more beautiful women who are eligible to do so many other things,” said Gus Poulos, general manager of New York City’s Sin City gentleman’s club. He said he got 85 responses in just one day to a recent job posting on Craigslist.
The transition to the nightclub scene isn’t always a smooth one — from learning to dance in five-inch heels to dealing with the jeers of some customers.
Some performers said they were initially so nervous that only alcohol could calm their nerves.
“It is like giving a speech, but instead of imagining everyone naked, you’re the one who’s naked,” Brown, 29, said.
Eva Stone, a 25-year-old dancer at the Pink Monkey, said dealing with occasional verbal abuse from patrons requires “a thick skin.”
Makers of adult films cautioned that women shouldn’t rush into the decision to make adult movies without considering the effect on their lives.
“Once you decide to be an adult actress, it impacts your relationship with everyone,” said Steven Hirsch, co-chairman of adult film giant Vivid Entertainment Group. “Once you make an adult film, it never goes away.”
The women at the Pink Monkey say dancing at a strip club might not have been their first career choice, but they entered the business with their eyes wide open. The job gives them more control and flexibility than sitting in a cubicle, and “it’s easy, it’s fun and all of us girls … look out for each other,” Brown said.
In this economy, “desperate measures are becoming far more acceptable,” said Jonathan Alpert, a New York City-based psychotherapist who’s had clients who worked in adult entertainment.
Many people have asked me many times to write something on How to Pick up Girls in a Grocery Store. Truth be told, the reason I haven’t written about How to Pick up Girls in a Grocery Store, is I don’t go “Grocery Shopping” in a traditional sense very often.
For Prosciutto Di San Daniele, I go to my little Italian market. For Fresh Uni, I go direct to local divers. For Steaks, I got juice at the local butchers. For Household Supplies, I order them online (do you really need to pick up out your own box of trashbags?). Pastrami and Rye, I get shipped in from New York. Stone Crabs shipped in from Florida. Jamón Serrano from Spain. Etc.
Here is the article (my comments in Bold and parenthesis):
There’s a reason they created fancy grocery stores like Whole Foods: to bring together good-looking people of the opposite sex in a cozy, appetite-stimulating environment. So if you’re not picking up women along with your fruits and veggies, you’re missing out on a prime opportunity to snag a girlfriend (or just a booty-call) by Christmas. Some things to keep in mind:
(I have been to Whole Foods before, and I would hardly call it a great place for model scouting. Generally speaking, most people in there seem pretty un-healthy. Kind of pulls away the curtain from the whole “organic” thing doesn’t it? Either way, I don’t mind Whole Foods for their food, but saying it’s a stronghold for beautiful people is stretching it. Maybe they should have a doorman and a list?)
Best time to try: Thursday or Friday between 7 and 9 p.m.—when taken chicks are usually out with their boyfriends.
(This might be good advice, but Thursday or Friday between 7 and 9 p.m I am usually having a Vampire Nap, getting ready to go out (in places with later nightlife ie Miami Beach) or just getting to the restaurant on the West Coast.)
Who to look for: A babe who’s still dressed up in her work clothes, and therefore feeling more confident and flirty than she would in sweats.
What to say: Ask for her help—women can’t resist a man in supermarket distress. You heard spaghetti squash was a good sub for pasta—does she know what it looks like? Which hot chocolate do kids like best? (Because, you know, you like to keep some around for your nephew.)
(Yeah, yeah, questions are always good. I think a better place to swoop girls would be the Vino Aisle. At least then you know she boozes. And you can spit some Vino Game too.)
How to get her number: Don’t. Instead, give her your card and say something adorably self-effacing, such as, “Hey, if you ever feel like doing some charity work and helping a guy learn how to cook, give me a call.”
(Not sure if I agree with this. The whole “Ill give you my card” Game is pretty flimsy at best. I think you need to transition from the Vino to share something in common, then make a plan. Escalate quickly. Its a preferable situation for her to not give you her number, than to think about if some girl from Whole Foods is going to call you all day, like some chimp. Plus, I don’t want just any girl knowing all my info on my card. Unless of course you use some “dummy” card.)
Advanced move: If you live in a relatively small city or town, chat her up the first time you see her, but wait until you bump into her again to give her your number. Of course, that means staking out the store. But, hey, that’s why they added chairs and tables near the coffee bar.
(Everybody these days seems like they are throwing out “Advanced moves”. First of all, there is nothing Advanced about living in a “relatively small city or town”. Its idiotic. (An exception could be made if you are living in a small Basque beach town during summer). Either way, I never go “staking out the store” unless its to pull a heist.)
