The words I am about to express:
They now have their own crowned goddess. – Leandro Diaz
IT WAS INEVITABLE: the scent of Aguila and Aguardiente always reminded me of the fate of unrequited love; as I cold kicked back in a dope Tapas bar in Cartagena, Colombia with a fly Costeña named Lilia. We were grinding croquetas de pescado and Lomo Roquefort, while she was drinking Coco con Limon.
And yes, I always stay crispy clean; I got style, finesse, plus a nifty lean, whenever I hit the scene down here.
We were the last ones in the restaurant and it seemed like it was about to close; when in walked a party of nine. I made a mental note that the restaurant staff kind of jumped to attention. One of the ladies in the party, asked for a cenicero and sparked up. I noticed this as odd since smoking is mostly eradicated in Cartagena. I jumped on the opportunity and asked for a cenicero as well. And I also sparked up.
As I smell the aromatic fumes of gold cyanide, I notice something peculiar about the party of nine now seated in the restaurant. The table consists of one cat, dressed in white linen from head to toe and 8 women. The cat has mad presence.
He gets up to go to the restroom passes by me and gives me a smile. A “Game recognizes Game” type situation if you will.
It is only after he returns to his seat that our camarera informs us that the cat is none other than Gabriel García Márquez.
Truth be told, even though my girl was more fly than any girl at Gabriel García Márquez’s table, I have to give the victory to him.
Table with eight girls?
Camareras jumping to his every move?
Allowing smoking?
80 years old and straight rolling Playboy style?
Gabriel García Márquez unanimous decision over Michael Porfirio Mason.
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
Lately, I have been getting a few emails basically asking:
“I know Mardi Gras isn’t exactly your steez, but I will happen to be in New Orleans during that time this year. What advice do you have for an Up and Coming G on the Rise for Mardi Gras?”
Great question. I am still around for you, keeping it underground for you.
Although Mardi Gras isn’t exactly my stilo, I have been in New Orleans during Mardi Gras before (It was a “work” trip, some PicayuneStandover job, back when I used to work for The Barons, in case you wanted to know).
Now, truth be told, Mardi Gras is probably the best “big gig” in America. And although my love for New Orleans is well documented, “big gigs” are not really my Forté anymore. But as far as doing Mardi Gras up “G Style”, you have come to the right place.
Here is how to march through Mardi Gras like “The Second Line”:
Custom Suited Down
The Crescent City, being G Manifesto Turf, is a very Suit Friendly city. Being Suited Up in The City that Care Forgot is never more important than during Mardi Gras. One, you will be dressed doper than your competition. Two, fly girls will be all over you like a Mac Gloss sale at the Beverly Center. Third, and probably most importantly, being Suited Down in The Big Easy is like an all-access pass. This can come in real heavy when you need to cross parade lines and cut down on travel times when you are doing mad Day Swooping. Seriously, you won’t know how important this is until you are there. You can thank me later.
Ritz Carlton Hotel, New Orleans
The Ritz needs to be your Base of Operations during Mardi Gras. Think of it as your Roux. The location, just off Bourbon, is like the Galatoire’s Goute (Crab Maison, Shrimp Maison and Shrimp Remoulade) at Galatorie’s; nothing short of perfection. Furthermore, it is on the French Quarter side of Canal, which can be pivotal, so you don’t get stymied by parades.
The Ritz Lobby Bar is probably the most user friendly Lobby Bar in America. Do like I do; lock the entire place down: from the bartenders, to the waitresses, the general manager, to the bus boys, to the band, to the lounge singer, to the girl whipping up the Bananas Foster.
These days I walk around the Ritz lobby bar like I am some kind of half IRA, half ETA Le Roi. Mad Regal with une couronne, getting everything Lagniappe.
Gentleman’s Clubs
The Gentleman’s Clubs are where you are going to do your strongest work during Mardi Gras. Laissez le Bon temp rouler. Especially, during the early part of Mardi Gras week. To kick the fountain of youth*, the early part of Mardi Gras can be relatively mellow. Not unlike a regular night in The City beneath The Sea.
Bottom line, American’s don’t party as hard as say, the Spanish or the Brazilians. Sorry to debunk the whole myth that American’s party the hardest. We have really become a bunch of sissys in this country. Present company excluded. But that is neither Pascal’s Manale nor Suits by Canali.
Anyways, back to the Gentleman’s Clubs. I have written extensively on Swooping Exotic Dancers. Re-read The G Manifesto and follow to The Seventh Letter. You should do more than fine.
Some of my finest moments of Triomphe have happened in New Orleans Gentleman’s Clubs. Well, the activities that took place succeeding, anyway.
Way Down Yonder In New Orleans – Louis Armstrong
Bourbon Street, Street Game
My plans to conquer the streets are embedded in my head like the Mark of the Beast.
And when it comes to Bourbon Street Game, I was born with it, I am getting on with it, and I am gonna have it till I am f*cking Dead and Gone with it.
During the early part of Mardi Gras, Bourbon Street can be pretty dope. Keep in mind; you have to sift through a lot of girls to really find the quality. It’s similar to finding une babiole in some King Cake.
As far as all the beads and girls flashing?
Like Ice Cube once said, “I ain’t the one”. Although, I do have mad respect for the culture.
If you follow my tips, and you got the Mojo Bag, Gris-gris, spider dumpling, goofer, black cat bone, and John the Conqueroo, you should have plenty of topless girls back at The Ritz Carlton anyway.
Grinds
You definitely have to get your grind on heavy in “America’s Most Exotic City”. Hit all the main guns; Galatories, Felix’s, August, Café Du Monde, Deenies, Bayona etc.
But also make sure you hit up some of the grind sessions outside the Vieux Carré, like the crawfish boils. And get your Gumbo on. This is where knowing some local Exotic Dancers can really come in handy.
I have been known to go “missing” New Orleans: Miss New Orleans, Miss Louisiana, Miss Metarie, Miss St. Bernard Parish, Miss Chalmette etc.
But always keep your wits about you. One time I woke up in the Bayou covered in blood, a Johnny Favorite record playing on the phonograph, chicken’s feet and mad fans spinning. It was mad weird. Ruined my Ozwald Boateng with le violet, l’or and le vert interior.
Ma Rainey -Louisiana Hoo Doo Blues
Later in the week
During the Later part of Mardi Gras, things simply get too tumultuous and hectic. It could take 45 minutes just to walk from The Ritz to Rick’s Cabaret because of La foule. And your handmade shoes from London will get all scuffed up.
This is when posting up in the tranquil environs of The Ritz Lobby bar will really pay dividends. The Ritz Lobby Bar; a better investment than equities in 2010.
Krewes
If you really have Game, like your humble author, you will infiltrate the parties that The Krewes throw. It is always good to intermix some New Orleans aristocratic “Débutante girls” with a steady diet of Exotics.
So how do you infiltrate these parties and swoop these “Débutante girls”?
Do me a favor.
I have said it before, and I will say it again, for those data sheets, a publisher is going to have to come at me a la Vaynerchuck; seven figs min.
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
I am feeling sinister, kind of like a Donald Goines Novel. In short order, I have infiltrated a table of four fly Argentinean girls and two Argentinean cats. Two of the girls are beautiful, albeit they are too Hipster looking for my taste. If I want Hipster girls, I can just stay in New York City or Los Angeles.
The other two Porteñas are striking enough that I would contemplate dating either one for a month or two if we were America. But we are not in America.
Thankfully, the two non-Hipster girls are more into me, and they are so stunning that I feel my ears get pointy and my mouth starts salivating. But I remain calm and Tranquilo because I have been through this literally hundreds of times.
After a rapid fire pregunta y contesta session that I passed with flying colores, I go with a little of the old “absence makes the heart grow fonder” move and I get up and get another Goose and Soda. Which is really, kind of, an idiot move, since they are 10 times more expensive than a regular cocktail in BA. F*ck it though. I have been heisting a bunch lately, hit a trade on Wynn, and I need something stronger than Malbec, to levelize my dome piece after hitting a “street jay” hard with a couple of Porteñas and some guy they were with earlier.
After locking down the bartender, I head back to the table with the four girls but get intercepted by a Swedish cat that tells me to join his table. After seeing five fly Swedish Girls and just him and his Swedish buddy, I accept.
“Where are you from?” asks the second Swedish Cat in a thick Swedish Accent.
“Hollywood. Los Angeles.”, I answer.
I get the predictable, “Oh! Hollywood!”, “Los Angeles, I love LA!” type responses from everyone at the table.
And just like that, I am in. (Well, the Custom Suit might have had something to do with it, since it really did have an immaculate cut, and actually had an Elmo red interior. I also had the crimson Brioni Pocket square. Mad Flash and so much red you might have thought I was Brim or Piru.)
After peeting a bunch of cocktails in expeditious style, I could feel the buzz all through my gulliver.
The first Swedish cat then asks me, “Michael, how do you say “Cocaaine” in English?”
I kind of laugh and respond, “Umm…’Cocaine’ is how you say it.”
First Swedish guy then says, “No, I mean how do you say it in LA? The, how do you say, slang for ‘Cocaine’.”
“Beeks! Yes, Beeks. That is how you say it! Beeks!”, the Swedish guy kept yapping almost uncontrollably.
“That is what we need! We need Beeks! Beeks! Can you get Beaks?” he says in a frenzied manner that is all too familiar. (Although, I have never this sort of behavior from a Swedish cat in BA, so the whole thing was kind of novel.)
“Not sure.” I respond, laughing. I give him a “thumbs up” as well. (I always like to give foreign cats a “thumbs up” so they will think that’s how we do in America).
The Swedish guy then starts yelling, “Beeks! Beaks! Anyone have Beeks!?!” all across the lounge.
Gratefully, the music is so loud; no one can really hear the guy. And no one knows what “Beeks” are in BA.
Santa Maria (del Buen Ayre)
Either way, I spot two fly young Porteñas smoking jacks right outside the doorway of the lounge, and I have little faith that these Swedish guys will score any Beeks with their tactics.
Furthermore, I don’t think I even really want any Beeks. My night is going too fluidly to throw in any sort of scallywag behavior. (Although, I do like the word “scallywag”.)
Admittedly, I do think the weed I puffed earlier was relatively fuerte, because I was pretty amused and laughing at the way this Swedish cat kept on going bonkers about “Beaks!”
I excuse myself from the “Swedish Beeks” table, and then move to go join the girls outside for a jack.
As I roll through the doorway, one of the two fly girls rolls back inside leaving one fly girl smoking a grit.
Switch back to Spanish Game and introduce myself like the International Playboy of the Apocalypse that I am.
She says she her name is “Mariana”, which is a name I have a thing for. She says she grew up in Recoleta.
She says she likes this bar because it is in her neighborhood.
I feel the curious and prurient need to smoke two cigarettes at the same time.
I say I like this bar as well, because my hotel, the Alvear Palace Hotel is right nearby.
I hear the horns and percussion from a Curtis Mayfield song in my skull piece and I feel I am on top of Game’s Rushmore.
Mariana’s eyes start to dilate, she looks at me lasciviously, and I say, “
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
New York City, I am thinking, Fashion Week, I am thinking, Circa Tabac smoking cigarettes and gulping cocktails, I am thinking, getting sweated like a steam room by three Latinas, I am thinking, models at Downtown Cipriani’s, I am thinking, ask them for a light and their number, I am thinking, Double Light move, I am thinking, Steak Tartare at Balthazar, I am thinking, Number Crunching model named Alexa outside Balthazar, I am thinking, Meat Packing District unfortunately, I am thinking, Beeks on the street, I am thinking, swoop girl outside of Kiss and Fly, I am thinking, beeks from limo driver, I am thinking, swooping fly girl at hotel, I am thinking, Pastrami sandwich at Katz Deli, I am thinking, New York Egg Cream, I am thinking, banging out phone calls in the park across the street, I am thinking, day swooping Dominican Girl, I am thinking, Entering the Dragon, I am thinking, I am all about dinero like Pesci, I am thinking, Dinner with super fly Sophisto wine girl at Gramercy Tavern, I am thinking, best table in the house, I am thinking, best sweetbreads I have ever had, I am thinking, Spanish vino, I am thinking, blood red carpet treatment, I am thinking, Custom Suit is killing it, I have been nice since Kris Kross wore backwards pants, I am thinking, I am thinking, aloof Game, I am thinking, stories about my life as an International Playboy, I am thinking, she is in love, I am thinking, my Game is Platinum Plated, I am thinking, and so does she, I am thinking, swooping, I am thinking, #1 in NYC, I am thinking, King f*cking Kong, I am thinking, Soho pimping, I am thinking, girl that looks like Ashanti, I am the Game Bounty Hunter, I am thinking, A Dead Bat in Paraguay, I am thinking, People say “Live and Let Live” , I am thinking, I say “Live and Let Die”, I am thinking, Everybody try to make it, I am thinking, But my spot isn’t vacant, I am thinking, my traps and patience make my Game Taliban Dangerous, I am thinking, peeling girls off Prince Street, I am thinking, Street Gaming models on Grand Street, I am thinking, Spitting Game on Spring Street, I am thinking, I love the streets, I am thinking, but they don’t love me back, I am thinking, so I keep an eye open and my gat, I am thinking, High Heels and Dirty Deals, I am thinking, Swoop Aussie Girl, I am thinking, She said, do all those things that you want to do to me, I am thinking, Street Eats, I am thinking, Lamb with rice, I am thinking, Downtown Cipriani’s, I am thinking, Model girl picks up on some London Guy with Jonas Brother’s hair instead of me, I am thinking, Weesh, I am thinking, Soho Grand, I am thinking, more Aussie girls for Fashion Week, I am thinking, More Beeks, I am thinking, More Steak Tartare at Balthazar, I am thinking, Number Crunch Russian Model outside, I am thinking, She has braids like Kornikova, I am thinking, I turn away because I am foaming at the mouth, I am thinking, I am starting to grow Fangs, I am thinking, mad tapas at Boqueria with Russian Model, I am thinking, Home, I am thinking, Italian ices on Mulberry street, I am thinking, NYU swooping, I am thinking, spitting razors in Washington Square Park, I am thinking, Kissing Model Girl in Stuvesant Square, I am thinking, day swooping her in The Rutherford, I am thinking, Chopping down 1st Ave, I am thinking, Raoul’s at 11:45 on a Sunday night with more Models, I am thinking, so much steak tartare, I am thinking, I might be getting stomach worms, I am thinking, and I am going off the deep end fast, I am thinking, that’s ok though, I am thinking, I am in the best city in America, I am thinking….
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
Michael Porfirio Mason
AKA The Peoples Champ
AKA GFK, Jr.
AKA The Sly, Slick and the Wicked
AKA The Voodoo Child
The Guide to Getting More out of Life
http://www.thegmanifesto.com
