So I roll into my first Yoga class. I have no idea what to wear to this gig so I go with the black wife beater, Wild Card Boxing Club t-shirt, Everlast hoodie and Quik boardshorts. You know, the height of Fashion for Yoga G Set. Or at least that is what I think it should be.
As I step into the arena, I mean, the waiting area, I see a fly girl that is as hot as the bullet that went into Abe Lincoln. So what do I do?
I go and sit next to her and say, “hello”.
She smiles and says “hello” back.
The atmosphere is very relaxed and subdued, but I get a good back and forth dialog going on with her. She can tell I am The G.
She is down. I will swoop her after class on the real.
Class starts.
I grab a spot in the back, just like when I was in school, because I have no idea what the f*ck is going on.
This was actually a good move because I can spock all the fly girls in the class. And it is basically all girls.
Minimal guys, only two others. The competition is non-existent. One guy is probably suspect and the other is softer than a soft serve cone in Venice Beach in August.
Street-hardened, well-traveled, International Playboys that survived The Extacsy Wonder Gang Wars, like your humble author, these guys are not.
We bust out the class, and I did pretty well actually. The fly girl teacher asks me, “Was that really your first class?”
When it ends, I feel great. I almost want to yell, “Let’s all get some cocktails and have a smoke!”, but I decide that it would be inappropriate in the Yoga Dojo.
Then the fly girl that I was talking to at the beginning of the class just gets up, rolls up her mat and splits.
This is a topic I am not at all unfamiliar with. In fact, cooking and swooping is a mainstay for me, especially when I am in places with weak nightlife like The California Police State. California also has the benefit of great ingredients for cooking, so it works all the way around.
Roosh busts out a little step by step:
1. Execute the move only on date two or beyond. A girl will most likely not accept you dinner date offer after only talking to you for an hour at the bar. For her to have a date in your house, a minimum of two face-to-face interactions must be achieved before she’ll want to come over.
2. You must have at least kissed and slightly groped her at the previous meeting. The move is done when the next logistical step is sex, which usually falls on date two or three. Otherwise what will happen is you waste the move to get no more than a kiss.
3. Pre-sell the date. If you’re at the end of a first date where kissing and touching has happened, say, “How about next time we do dinner at my place? I just learned how to cook a new dish.” She will be noncommittal, which is fine, because you’re just planting the seed so that she begins to accept the idea of coming over. There’s no need to iron out the exact time or date. Contact her in a couple days to make the plan.
4. Don’t start cooking until she arrives. There are two reasons for this. First, you want the cooking process to help you put in “face time” where she gets comfortable in your home. Second, you want her to start drinking while her stomach is empty so the booze (usually wine) has maximum effect. After eating, the alcohol will barely make a dent in her decision-making apparatus, so get her drinking as much as you can before the meal. Therefore it’s good to have meals that take at least one hour to prepare. To encourage drinking, try to stock your house with her booze preference, which you should know from your previous meetings with her.
5. Cook something you know. Don’t make the mistake I made several years ago by planning an elaborate three course meal that had me more focused on the food than the girl. It also showed that I was trying to impress her, which causes most American girls to lose attraction. Instead, cook a basic meal that is edible. If it’s pasta with Ragu sauce, then so be it. I usually cook rice with chicken and vegetables, a light meal that alcohol can punch through like a bulldozer. If she makes fun of you for such a simple dish, sarcastically apologize that you’re not a gourmet chef.
6. After dinner, get her on a surface where sex can occur. I like couches. It’s not hard to start banging there and then move to the bedroom. Many guys make the mistake of suggesting to watch a movie after dinner, but by the time it’s over she will have sobered up. Instead, put on The Weeknd, sit on the couch, talk, and then start kissing. After a bit of this, when you’re sure she’s aroused, get her straddled on top of you and start taking off her clothes (shirt and bra first). Have a condom already in your back pocket so that you don’t need to disturb the action by getting up to retrieve one. If you don’t have a couch, give her a “tour” of your room and put the music on there.
However, I don’t really “Pre-sell” the date. I just tell girls whats up. I call them up and tell them to come over because I am cheffing up a masterpiece. I always tell them to wear high heels as well. For aesthetic purposes.
Also, the whole “I usually cook rice with chicken and vegetables…If she makes fun of you for such a simple dish, sarcastically apologize that you’re not a gourmet chef.” doesn’t really fly in the circles I run in.
Maybe some free-range Roasted Chicken a la Zuni Cafe in San Francisco but that’s about it.
But here is what I bust out when I want to swoop fly high-end girls, The Shrimp and Linguine Swoop Move Recipe:
1. I usually start by popping a bottle of Spanish Red and bust out a quick Caprese Salad. (No need for the recipe here. Just get some fresh mozarella or burrata from the little Italian market down the street and some heirloom tomatoes, Sea Salt and fresh Basil. I usually use Grape Seed Oil in the place of Olive Oil for style points. You should look into it). I also usually strip down to the wife beater, for old-school style points, and I don’t want to splash any Olive Oil on my Custom Suits.
2. Make some Fresh Linguine. Save some of the Pasta Water. Throw on an old-school G Italian Track (for symmetry) to set the mood:
3. While the water is boiling for the Fresh Linguine, crisp up some Pancetta, Capicola or some Prosciutto di San Daniele. Or all three. Put it off to the side. Maybe throw on a Latin Track and dance with her for a minute so she feels the vibe:
4. By this point, she is probably ready to be swooped. And many times, I swoop girls at this point. If I want to “carry” my opponent a few more rounds, I will do this: In a pan, heat up some Extra Virgin Olive Oil, crushed Red Pepper and freshly minced garlic. Let it work it’s magic.
5. Throw in some Lemon Zest and let it infuse into the oil.
6. Throw in some Jumbo Shrimp. Now when I say “Jumbo Shrimp”, I don’t mean that wack Jumbo Shrimp they have in your hood. I am talking about Shrimp way bigger and fresher than you can get. The Shrimp I get, you have to have connects direct with local fisherman. Work on your connects and you can get to the level you need to be someday.
7. Rip up some Organic Basil and throw that into the mix holmes. Smell it. Enjoy an elegant high, fly pelican fly.
8. Spark up a smoke and take a big glup of Vino.
9. Toss in the Fresh Linguine you have already cooked with a little Pasta Water you saved from earlier.
10. Add a little Salt and Pepper to taste.
11. Throw it on a Plate.
12. Decorate plate with some more ripped Fresh Basil for color.
13. Crumble up the Pancetta, Capicola or some Prosciutto di San Daniele all over the Pasta and Shrimp. The colors are straight up Bellisimo.
14. Add a little Olive Oil.
15. Grate a little Fresh Parmesan.
Knock out punch.
If you make this dish and you can’t swoop the girl you are trying to swoop, Next her, because there is no way you are going to swoop her.
When you are a young up and coming G on a Budget in Southern California Beach Towns you need to focus on four places to swoop fly girls:
1. House Parties (although the California Police State has cracked down on these heavily since the “bad old days”, rendering them almost insignificant.)
2. The Beach (Although, I am not talking Topless Beaches here.)
Swooping fly girls at the 7-11, is just like mountain climbing: you have to put your time in.
What my old school crew and I would do is park the drop top Cadillac at our local 7-11 and just post up. Thankfully, there was a bar next door to our local 7-11 so girls would always come out of the bar to buy smokes or some crap.
We were just like crocodiles in wait for zebras, girls would come up and we would bite like the crocs do in The Gremeti River, Serengeti, Tanzania. “Crocodile Game” if you will.
Chronic Smokes and 40oz Dreams
In between girls rolling up, my crew and I would just chill, take monster hits of Chronic and take huge pulls of well concealed 40 oz bottles.
You would be surprised how many fly rich beach girls would open us with, “Do you have any more weed?”
Game on. Then we would just transform into the Original Game Spitta.
It amazes me how you hardly ever see young G’s chilling out in the open smoking Chronic and Drinking Malt Liquor any more. I really don’t know what is wrong with kids these days. Maybe it’s the video games. Maybe it’s Facebook. Who really knows?
Either way, if I saw kids posting, smoking and drinking at a 7-11 today, I would probably throw them on the pay roll and mold them for the future.
We can always use more International Playboys of The Apocalypse.
Anyways, I am starting to confuse myself.
Before I get too off track, here is a little story from back in the day when fly girls hit me on the Pager like my name was Stojaković to explain how it’s done:
I was chilling with my clicka at our local 7-11 smoking Chronic and drinking St. Ides when we saw a super fly girl get into an argument with her boyfriend outside the bar next door. It got pretty heated and the guy walked away in a huff.
The girl was older (about 27-28 I am guessing) and a mad fly blonde girl. Dressed to the nines.
The super fly girl rolled up to the 7-11 and she walked right past us and ignored my advances.
My homeboys were heckling me because I blew it. Or so they thought.
I just leaned back against the Cadillac and re-sparked up another Chronic Roach.
I could tell she was pretty heated from the argument with the guy earlier, but she had a very seductive and enchanting look in her eyes.
As I killed my Chronic Jay, she asked me with dilated pupils, “Do you have any more weed, I could really use some right now”.
Although we were all holding Chron (as always), I replied half jokingly since she dissed me earlier, “I do, but it is at my crib close by.”.
I thought she was going to laugh and diss me again, (keep in mind this girl was hotter than Venice Beach asphalt in summertime in a long form fitting dress and high heels) but she said, “Let’s go. Your driving.” and threw me her keys.
I looked at the keys: Porsche
Smooth. (And not one of those lame ones. A legit one. Payed for by her boyfriend no doubt).
I grabbed her hand and I replied, “Let’s roll” and started walking away while giving a wink to my crew who all were flabbergasted.
We rolled to the G-Spot, for a smoke session and swoop session. Illmatic.
Still maybe the best blower of my life. (And not to sound cocky or anything, but she has long competition to be measured up against, so to speak).
She needed me to drop her and her ride off, so we split.
As we pulled out of my block, I passed my friends rolling back from the 7-11 and gave them a loud honk as they gave me the “jealousy finger”.
We rolled a few miles into the sickest houses in the hood by the beach. I am talking don’t even step unless you have $3 mill min. (And that was in those days, nowadays, some go for $25 mill an up, of course).
We pulled up to a super sick crib and she said, “This is it…”
36 Things You Didn’t Know About Michael Porfirio Mason
Here are The 36 Chambers you never knew about Michael Porfirio Mason:
1. I haven’t owned or wore a pair of jeans in ten years. If I was going to hang sheet rock for an afternoon, maybe I would. But I haven’t hung sheet rock in a while.
2. I have never owned an Iphone, Ipod, an Ipad, or any Apple products for that matter.
4. I have never seen a 3D movie (save the old school ones as a kid, think those horror ones). I have never seen Avatar. I can’t handle looking at Blue people for three hours.
5. I have never seen that Leonardo Depricio, movie The Titanic. In fact, I make an effort to not consume popular culture. I consider this one of my “keys to success”.
6. I know how to work on cars. Although these days I rarely drive. I realized a few years ago that every time I was arrested, jailed or caught in the rookers of the milicents; it was “vehicular related” in some way. That being said, I still will slide a Cadillac to The Del Mar Racetrack in summertime though to reclaim my #1 Spot. Turf Club Parking. What’s up?
7. I know my way around a construction site, and worked construction for two years and multiple summers as a young pup. I can hang sheetrock, run copper and PVC, do carpentry and I am an artist with a jackhammer, skilsaw and a chainsaw. I never really learned electric but can bust out some.
8. I have driven Cross country 3 times in my life. It was 3 times too many. This was back in my “transport” days. I thought it was going to be all “On The Road” style like my man Jack Kerouac. It wasn’t. America is a hell hole of strip malls, fat people, track housing and chain restaurants. The only redeeming parts of Middle America are Las Vegas, New Orleans and Chicago.
9. At one point, I had close to $100,000 in credit card debt. And over $300,000 in debt to the kind of people that don’t exactly send you “past due” notices in the mail. All my accounts are clear now. Maybe one day I will write about how I got out of that situation.
10. I have never claimed to be a great writer. In fact, when I first started writing The G Manifesto, I could barely write. I never paid much attention in school. I mean yeah, I went to school. All the way through school, right in the front door and out the back. Read the earlier “Manifestos”. They are almost un-readable (interestingly, enough, it was back then when I was getting the most attention from the publishing world and Hollywood).
11. I have surfed many parts of the bubble. In fact, traveling, swooping and surfing was what my life was about in my younger years. You would be hard pressed to find someone that knows Las Playas de Norte Baja better than your humble author. Hell, I could write two “Manifestos” on the beaches of Northern Baja alone. But you know what? I never will. People just don’t talk about that place. Myself included.
12. I sometimes get para. But like Chopper Read once said, “Just because I am paranoid doesn’t mean people aren’t trying to kill me”.
13. I once stayed up for 4 nights straight in New Orleans solely on a diet of Gulf Oysters, Creole food and Swooping fly New Orleans girls. No drugs. No joke. I was hallucinating and almost in tears. To the best of my knowledge this is a world record (one of two “un-official” World Records I think I hold). I may tell this whole story down the road.
14. I have a couple of dope screenplays I want to write. One of course, would be my life story. The younger years and the come up. The only problem is there is no actor dope enough in Hollywood to play me. The second screen play is about my Grandfather and his boxing gym in Northern Ireland. It is kind of “Michael Collins” meets “Hoosiers”. Both would be two of the dopest movies Hollywood has ever put out. Maybe I will write them once I learn how to actually write a screenplay. Anyone know how to do that sh*t?
15. I find the whirl and clicking of a money counter to be one of the most mellifluous sounds in the world. I am not joking. I really do. I have said it before, and I will say it again, “I am interested in money so one day I won’t have to be interested in money.” Can ya dig it?
16. I have a split personality. And each of my personalities is Bipolar, with an identity crisis. So, like, you know, it can get pretty Maddening being Michael Porfirio Mason. Like J.J. Connnolly has said, “Madness is the darkness in your head, the restless one percent that wants to push strangers under trains. Madness is paranoia made normal. Madness is when the mundane is insane, the insane mundane. Madness is thinking you can predict the future, while sitting in a jailhouse, doing birdlime. Madness is fun for a little while, then gets dark…then darker still. Madness is not to be believed…but is so fuckin convincing.”
17. There are a lot of other things I am sure I could do in my life that would make me rich and famous. However, I don’t want to sacrifice this whole “International Playboy” thing I got going on. Anonymity is the spiritual foundation. It is way too priceless. After all, International Playboys are really at the top of the food chain when you think about it.
18. I have extreme ADD, as witnessed by the frenetic jumping around of topics on The G Manifesto. My ADD seems to be getting worse with age. I actually consider it a strength, although it is enough to drive most men insane.
19. Recently, I have come to terms that I am going to be an International Playboy/ Gentleman of Leisure for life. It is not a choice. It is a Self-Fulfilling Prophecy. I have no say in the matter. My life was predicted by a Gypsy. It was written and so it shall be.
20. I hate cell phones. If everyone agreed to turn them in tomorrow and stop using them, I would be first in line. I like pay phones.
21. I like flowers. I really do. One day I may open a flower shop when I am older. However, I am doing it “Dion O’Banion Style”. Although, lately, I am thinking I may open a salon or a massage place or a yoga spot when I get older so I can swoop mad fly girls into my later years. We’ll see.
22. I have friends in jail that I came up with. I have friends who have faded away due to The Mirror, The Razor Blade and The Straw. Not to mention some have fallen due to The Spoon, The Flame and The Spike. And I have good childhood friends that are locked up for being criminally insane. My best friend (who I may add is the CEO of a company half way to a billion a year) and I recently spoke about this. It’s the little decisions in life that make the difference between being lucky and becoming a casualty. Can ya dig it?
23. I first boxed at The Wildcard in Hollywood when I was a kid. Mickey Rourke days. Back then, I used to Base of Operations out of The Three Clubs and chill with that cat with was in that movie Laws of Gravity (great movie by the way). It is not lost on me that this probably reveals my identity. However, anyone that knows me from those days, already knows.
24. I try my hardest not to spend a dime with any big corporations; zero for Starbucks, zero for department stores, zero for big oil, zero for Big Banks, zero for big pharma, zero for…you get the broken picture. I treat big corporations like Pretty Tony once said, “You know, man, all bitches are the same, just like my ho’s. I keep ’em broke–wake up one morning wit some money in their pockets, they subject to go crazy. I keep ’em looking good, fly, and all that, but no dough. When I get a bitch, I got a bitch.”
25. I once swooped 32 girls in 30 days when I was a young pup in Los Angeles. Mostly Hollywood actress types. A got the flu pretty bad afterwards. Could have been the drugs. It’s kind of hard to track exactly.
27. I have been on the receiving end of a few “three on one” beatdowns. Not fun. And I got cracked over the head with a Louisville Slugger when street crews were clashing in High School. I had an out of body experience. I still have the spot where it deformed my skull. Sometimes I let girls touch it. They usually get grossed out.
28. I have been robbed at gunpoint two times. One time by knife point. Charge it to The Game.
29. I am not smart enough to make big time passive income. Not yet anyways. Working on it.
30. I have never seen a Walmart with my own eyes in my whole life. Although, I have been to Carrefour.
31. I have never had a meal at a PF Wangs, Olive Garden (Garbage), or TGI Fridays. And that includes the TGI Fridays in Riga, Latvia too.
34. I have been swooping girls since I was knee high to a kangaroo and although I have had ups and downs in the biz world I have been clocking dough and traveling since I was a kid.
35. I have been becoming more Spiritual with every passing day. I have a lot to be thankful for. I have said before, “My mind is the enigma filled with broken pictures. The spiritual International Playboy can see clearer now.” Like King David said, “I guess my life was pretty extraordinary. In the end, I suppose it all comes back to the whole karma thing. Who knows? If it’s half as real as the Hindus say…I may just get a second chance after all. I wonder, what lies ahead for me on the other side?”
36. I wanted to also say, “thanks” to all the fly females that fed me. Just in case they ever thought, “Did Michael forget me?”
